Question and Answers on Anticipatory grief, when a loved one is dying.

Letter to Dr. Robert Neimeyer (shortened for space) on July 29, 2019 from "Judy" and comment by Mary Jane.

Dear Dr. Neimeyer,

My question is about anticipatory grief, the distress that family members can feel when a loved one is receiving end-of-life care…. how can we talk to these families who seem to be seeking treatment for their own anticipatory grief, rather than for the ultimate benefit of the patient?

- Judy

Dear Judy –

Just as you imply, most of us have a hard time taking in and integrating the reality of a loved one’s pending death, despite our best efforts to secure curative treatment. For a lifetime the patient has been a central part of our lives–a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child–and making sense of a complex and dire medical diagnosis and often highly technological treatment regimen can be nearly as cognitively daunting as imagining life without them is emotionally perturbing….Your compassionate question about how to broach such issues in the context of treatment decisions therefore is a delicate but critical one.

My basic suggestion would be to ground the discussion in hope. That is, what do they hope for their loved one, at this point in the illness? If a cure, what signs would the family look for to know whether that was likely or possible? What signs would suggest it is not? If the latter, what more might they hope for–perhaps the patient’s comfort, or some precious time to be with the other in earnest conversation, or even loving silence, while the patient is at peace? ….

– Dr. Neimeyer


Mary Jane Hurley Brant weighs in -

Dear Dr. Neimeyer,

Anticipatory grief strikes at the heart of so many people I've worked with over the years and it strikes a chord in me; we see the end coming.  It's a frightful feeling and it hurts so very much.  We hold on tight then we don't then we do each time we see our loved one perk up.  Is this false hope?  Maybe a little yet is this so wrong?  Of course not.  I agree with you, Dr. Neimeyer that hope is a really good thing; it elevates the heart of everyone involved in caring for and loving the patient. In those final hours, that shared silence you speak of, becomes a single note to sooth the soul on its journey.

I think it's also helpful to be aware of who among the caregivers has the best way of being with the person who is ill and sometimes - for different conversational moments - there can be several people.  What if one person can make the patient laugh just one more day?  What if one friend can share stories of long ago and far away in revere and the patient becomes that teenager once more sitting in her flaming red Jeep with the top down and the doors off?

That was our Katie, she always wanted to remember and then dream some more.  She could elevate everyone's spirits. “Mom, can we go to Africa?”  The thought of my daughter and me traveling there with her health scared me and I knew it could never be but my response?  “Well, we’ll have to talk about how we can do this.”  That was enough and she loved the dream.  Was it hard for me to do that?  You bet it was hard but really, in the final hours I believe that it’s not about us; it’s about the patient and his or her needs.  Think about the importance of having some sense of control over one’s own death?  Might that not be the final gift we can give to someone who we love with all of our hearts.  And if they are not in danger then, as the Beatles always sang, "Let it Be."